Me: How'd you scratch your face? 

4YO: A arr pirate did it! 

Me: I don't believe you. 

4YO: Maybe it was Catman then.

Took away TV and iPad from 4YO as punishment. 

Now I have to entertain him somehow until bedtime. 

Exactly who did I punish here?! #fatherfail 

Just tried jogging with baby in his stroller. 

He sure loved that trip around the block. 

Even when I walked half of the way. #ihaterunning

Me: Mjolnir. 

4YO: Mm... mu... mull...

Me: Myul-near.

4YO: Mm... mull... mall...

Me: MM-YUL-NEEAR 

4YO: I'm just going to say Thor hammer.

Both the 3YO and I are getting haircuts this morning.

Unfortunately, only one of us is also coming home with a lollipop.

I'm feeding the baby leftover Hawaiian pizza for lunch.

What? It's got all four food groups. 

Still, let's not tell his mother. #shh

What did parents do before the Dust Buster and other hand vacuums? 

I mean... how'd they clean the babies? #makesyouwonder

3YO: I'm full. 

Me: No room for dessert? 

3YO: I'm full of my lunch! Not dessert! 

#duhdad

It's hot when my wife talks about nipples and rings...

until I remember she's referring to baby bottles.

Plans to ring in the New Year at the Toronto Zoo may be 

dashed by rain. Need to come up with a kid friendly Plan B.

3YO: Can I get a robot for Christmas?

Me: Maybe if you're good.

3YO: And if I'm bad?

Me: You get a rock. 

3YO: For my collection! 

#backfire

3YO: Mommy is the mother.

Me: Um, yeah.

3YO: I'm the son and baby is a son too.

Me: Right. What about me?

3YO: You're the wife!

Me: Give me a kiss. 

3YO: No! 

Me: Why not? 

3YO: Arr pirates don't give kissies! 

#arrpiraterules

3YO asked for a banana instead when offered Cool Ranch Doritos. 

THE KID IS NOT MY SON.

I think I live with a baby hoarder. Meaning a child who hoards junk. 

Not someone who hoards babies.

Alone with both kids for first time ever. 

Allow me to apologize now for 3YO's crime sprees 

and all that the baby sets on fire in the future.

Dad! The baby is eating mommy's nipple!" 

#3YO #NewBigBrother

I don't mean to brag, you guys, but I make a way better

Transformers noise than my 3YO does.

I had to punish 3YO for saying a bad word. 

I feel awful because he picked it up from me. 

But if I don't nip this in the bud... #FatherFail

Installing car seat too easy. Kids better not fly at me next time I break hard 

to tweet clever thought that pops into my head on the road.